Unfriendable

Sometimes I wonder if some integral part inside of me is broken.

I was looking through a friend's Facebook photo album today and all of a sudden the realization came back to me. No, it didn't hit me for the first time as I've wondered this about myself many times before for several different reasons, but it did hit me nonetheless.

As I sit here talking to friends I've never met about the pros and cons of different alcohol and the statistics behind beer consumption there are people out there in their 20's, 30's, 40's, etc who are still best friends with their group from high school...some of them have even been friends since Kindergarten.

I'm in no way saying that my friendships are any less valid and I'll be the first to admit that I love the friends I've found in the past 5 years and I'm closer to them than I ever was with any of my high school friends. But I can't help but feel that small...well huge really...that huge tug from the envious green eyed monster inside of me.

To be honest, I don't really know what I'm envious about. That they've found a way to stay close after so many years or that they have a large group of friends they can see whenever they want to.

I had a blast hanging out with my friends in high school, but after high school I lost touch with every single one of them. After my oldest was born it was hard to find time for friendships and all of a sudden I had nothing in common with them anymore. I didn't worry about it. It was what it was.

I got to hang out with a few of my closest high school friends not long ago and that was awesome! We had a blast laughing, reminiscing, and getting to know each other again. The group of friends that I got to see had stayed close with each other over the years. I was the one that had to do the relearning, but it was nice. I enjoyed it and I want to be able to do it more often.

With that said, I have a wonderful group of friends that I've grown very close to over the past 4 or 5 years. They're from all over the globe, but most of them are in the States, though different states than I reside in. There's Alabama, California, Finland, Germany, North Carolina, Florida, Louisiana...the list goes on and on. I have five super close friends and I've only gotten to meet one of them.

Is it strange to have such close friends I've never met or is it more of a sign of the age we're in? I wouldn't trade these five best friends for all the rice in China or all the gold in Fort Knox (I should probably say China again instead of Fort Knox, huh?), but dang it, I'd really like to be able to actually see them and hang out with them from time to time. I've only ever even heard two of their voices. I went years without knowing what one of them even looked like. Is this strange?

I find myself yearning for something that I can't have. But at the same time I wonder if I even truly want it. I guess I'm scared. It's easier this way. It's less scary. What if those five girls were living closer to me, would we still get along if we saw each other so often? Would we grow to resent each other or feel that one was a burden or some other negative emotion that would, in the end, ruin the friendship?

It seems that all my life my friendships have been like a changing of the guard. I find myself displaced, then picked back up again by a new group of friends. I believe I've touched on this in a previous post, but I'll say it again. My friends from elementary school all found new groups of friends in middle school and my friends from middle school all found new groups of friends in high school. It seemed for every new school, even though I went with the same people, I had a new group of friends.

Am I unfriendable? I find I ask myself this often. Well actually if I want to be completely honest I actually ask myself if I'm unlovable. Is there something about me that drives people away? That makes them lose interest? That leaves something to be desired? I don't know, but it seems apparent.

I don't look down upon myself. I don't think I'm that bad really. I have confidence, but I'm not cocky or conceited. I know I am a good friend. I go out of my way to help my friends however they need me. Is the truth then, that I attract people who will use me? I'm not talking about my friends I've found on Facebook, as I know they've never used me for anything. They've never asked anything of me that they wouldn't be happy to give back to me tenfold should I need it. An ear, a shoulder, a virtual hug, advice, a laugh...that kind of thing, that's the kind of friendships I've made on Facebook.

At the same time, I don't think any of my school friends were "users" either. I think they genuinely cared about me as I did them. So what went wrong? I have no idea.

So I guess I find myself, yet again for probably the millionth time, wondering...always wondering what is so wrong with me that I can't seem to keep a friend that I actually get to see face to face.